Madge, you're a natural woman...

When Madonna popped into Mr Mikey's, yours truly's boutique hair and beauty salon, all she wanted was a soft and snaky hairstyle that would make her look like the multi-award winning Ms Winslett.

After a mere six hours' work with foils, tongs and my secret ingredients, who could tell the difference between Kate and Madge? And what's seventeen years between friends, anyway?

But now I hear some nasty rumour mongers are suggesting my material girl superstar has been having a bit of a nip and tuck to keep that lovely face as taut and smooth as her bulging biceps.

How can anyone suggest that our Madge's youthful appearance is the result of anything more invasive than a regular workout on the yoga mat and a stress-free living environment? It's her simple, celibate life dedicated to Jesus, in the wake of dear, departed Guy, that's left Our Lady of the Flowing Locks looking ten - or is that twenty? - years younger.

But Madge, sweetheart, if you did feel a tiny bit tempted to try a little supernatural rejuvenation, remember what happened to Estelle when she made the mistake of trying collagen injections. I did give you her phone number, but if you've lost it, check her story in my book, and give yourself a relaxing laugh at the same time - that's the best way of tightening up those cheek muscles and smoothing away those naughty frown lines.

Actually, darling - how would you feel about playing Estelle in the film version of my musical masterpiece, The Ladies? The role would suit you down to the ground. Read the part and give me a bell, sweetie.

Ciao, bella - call me when you've had enough of the Kate look and we'll try an other one. xxx