Mr Mikey's Ladies - The Director's Cut

Spot the difference between this version of Mr Mikey's Dancing Ladies and the one on YouTube - on your right and scroll down a little. Tell me which one you prefer, sweethearts. For the reasons why they have different sound tracks, scroll down to the post called "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" and read all about it.

This is the moment in the novel that the vid (more or less) envisages:

"The Archangel Uriel took this moment to respond to Mr Mikey’s request and flung creative brilliance around him like a coat of many colours. The vision he saw before him made Michael Gorman gasp with the wonder of his own imagination: not only were there, in reality, two stunning, silver-swathed sisters sitting in his tasteful, fifties-style, pink and black themed salon, lip-syncing to one of the all time great girlie songs, but on either side of them he saw a vision of an endless row of glamorous, grown up women under an infinite line of dryers, in plastic capes, sheer stockings and stiletto heels, miming and mincing to his own camp choreography.

"That was it! The theme, the subject and the style of ‘The Ladies’ in one eighties hit: the seared soul of twenty first century woman, depressed by the demands and desires of men, repressed by the restrictions of families, but still glowing and gorgeous, ripe and ready for – well, fun. This was the reality he would reveal to audiences worldwide through the magic of the musical. He would shine the spotlight of truth on male and female relationships by way of his real life ladies and their men...."

Buy the book and enjoy the rest of my scintillating story!

Mwa mwah xxx

Madge, you're a natural woman...

When Madonna popped into Mr Mikey's, yours truly's boutique hair and beauty salon, all she wanted was a soft and snaky hairstyle that would make her look like the multi-award winning Ms Winslett.

After a mere six hours' work with foils, tongs and my secret ingredients, who could tell the difference between Kate and Madge? And what's seventeen years between friends, anyway?

But now I hear some nasty rumour mongers are suggesting my material girl superstar has been having a bit of a nip and tuck to keep that lovely face as taut and smooth as her bulging biceps.

How can anyone suggest that our Madge's youthful appearance is the result of anything more invasive than a regular workout on the yoga mat and a stress-free living environment? It's her simple, celibate life dedicated to Jesus, in the wake of dear, departed Guy, that's left Our Lady of the Flowing Locks looking ten - or is that twenty? - years younger.

But Madge, sweetheart, if you did feel a tiny bit tempted to try a little supernatural rejuvenation, remember what happened to Estelle when she made the mistake of trying collagen injections. I did give you her phone number, but if you've lost it, check her story in my book, and give yourself a relaxing laugh at the same time - that's the best way of tightening up those cheek muscles and smoothing away those naughty frown lines.

Actually, darling - how would you feel about playing Estelle in the film version of my musical masterpiece, The Ladies? The role would suit you down to the ground. Read the part and give me a bell, sweetie.

Ciao, bella - call me when you've had enough of the Kate look and we'll try an other one. xxx

Lay Off Vanessa!

My friend, Vanessa Feltz doesn't deserve all this bitching about her shape, size and dress sense. What's wrong with big girls, girlfriends, and why shouldn't they dress how they like? Fashion fascism, I call it, and who does it mainly come from? Straight media men who like to take all ladies down a peg or two for any reason that falls into their insensitive little hands. I'd like to see them snapped on the pages of their own papers and assess how good their fashion sense is.

Big Girl, You Are Beautiful - as Mika says, and I've said frequently to my dear wife, Dolly. I should just explain that I'm only married to Dolly in a technical sense. The love of my life was her brother, Bryan, who I met on my hols at Surfers Paradise. To swap Sydenham for a life with him in Sydney, I married his little sister Dolly which meant I was a long term, legal resident Down Under.

How was I to know that Bryan was not long for this world and Dolly was up the duff, which left me a gay, but far from merry widow with a wife and child to support? That was why Dolly and I opened our boutique hair and beauty salon, "Mr Mikey's" and went into business together to make ends meet - in the financial sense only. If you haven't already done so, you can read the full story in Mr Mikey's Ladies.

But back to the point - don't listen to those nasty knockers, Vanessa darling. It's just tall poppy syndrome and they're jealous of your chutzpah. If you've got it, flaunt it, babe! Dolly's a big girl and she's never been backward at coming forward in the wardrobe department. You'd have been a welcome addition shaking your body on my lovely ladies' Mr Mikey video.

Mwa, mwa, sweetheart xxxx

Good Luck with the Caff, Heather!

I was over the moon when Heather Mills told me she'd bought The Fish Cafe in Hove, and was going to turn it into a vegan eaterie. She was just in for a quick trim and highlights before facing the press again. "Good on you, 'Evva, sweetheart," I told her. "A nice little earner is just what you need now to take your mind off the past and the pittance from Paul, and give you something meaty to focus on."

I told her she should talk to Bella, one of my lovely ladies, and star of Mr Mikey's Ladies, who runs a restaurant in Balmain, Sydney. As a change of name for Heather's venue seems inevitable, I suggested it might be an idea to follow her example of calling the place by her own name - though maybe "Bella's" has more of a ring to it than " 'Evva's"....

But Mr Mikey's most important piece of advice for you, Heather darling, is don't work with your man, like Bella does. Well, I know it's unlikely that Paul's going to want to get involved, but be careful of bringing anyone new in your life on board with the cooking. Bella will tell you - or you can read her story in Mr Mikey's Ladies - about her disastrous experience with her Italian hubby Nico, when they were running the business together.

It's always a problem with these straight guys, they just want to take over. It got so bad I nearly lost my beautiful Bella at one point. Find a nice gay man to work with, Heather sweetie, and you'll be fine - like me and Dolly in the salon (apart from some small disagreements about personal style and hygiene!) Just keep smiling, girl. Have a look at my YouTube vid - that'll make you laugh.

Talk soon, babes, and let me know when you want your nails done. You know where to find me
xxxx

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!

Some of my lovely ladies made this fabulous video to help publicise that naughty novel about moi, Mr Mikey's Ladies. All they wanted was to help me get my mega musical off the ground and like all girlfriends, have a bit of fun themselves into the bargain. They were realising the scene of my initial inspiration (page 34), when Corinne and Bella get carried away to Cindi Lauper's "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun".

But when we uploaded our creative oeuvre to my YouTube site, Cindi's record company didn't want to have fun at all! The sound recognition software on YouTube told us we didn't have the copyright and automatically muted the sound - then they had the cheek to put up an ad for Cindi's song on top of my ladies choregraphic charisma! It's not as if there aren't a million videos up on YouTube using uncopyrighted songs of all sorts - and all it can posibly do is encourage viewers to go and buy albums if they like what they hear.

A little fancy footwork on the part of Mr Mikey, however, resulted in finding an "audio swap" option which fitted exactly to the rhythm and even the movements of the original dancing, so instead of my girls having fun, they're now Jumping and Moving their Bodies to Nico (the musician - not Bella's belligerent restaurateur husband!) in perfect, hilarious time.

Still, Amazon are a little less anal about the videos you can post as "reviews" for books, so you can watch the original cinematographic sensation if you scroll down to the bottom of the Mr Mikey's Ladies page on Amazon.co.uk, or indeed on Amazon.com if you're outside the UK, even residing Down Under like me.

So, YouTube, you're no fun, but Ros, Kathy and Mary, you're the best and funnest girlfriends a man can have, and look equally gorgeous (and funny) dancing to both tracks. Big, big thanks to Sharron, my fellow hairdressing genius from the Rainbow Clinic, for your creative choreography, superb set dressing and head arrangements for The Ladies.

Love you all, ladies - you're my inspiration!