Lay Off Vanessa!

My friend, Vanessa Feltz doesn't deserve all this bitching about her shape, size and dress sense. What's wrong with big girls, girlfriends, and why shouldn't they dress how they like? Fashion fascism, I call it, and who does it mainly come from? Straight media men who like to take all ladies down a peg or two for any reason that falls into their insensitive little hands. I'd like to see them snapped on the pages of their own papers and assess how good their fashion sense is.

Big Girl, You Are Beautiful - as Mika says, and I've said frequently to my dear wife, Dolly. I should just explain that I'm only married to Dolly in a technical sense. The love of my life was her brother, Bryan, who I met on my hols at Surfers Paradise. To swap Sydenham for a life with him in Sydney, I married his little sister Dolly which meant I was a long term, legal resident Down Under.

How was I to know that Bryan was not long for this world and Dolly was up the duff, which left me a gay, but far from merry widow with a wife and child to support? That was why Dolly and I opened our boutique hair and beauty salon, "Mr Mikey's" and went into business together to make ends meet - in the financial sense only. If you haven't already done so, you can read the full story in Mr Mikey's Ladies.

But back to the point - don't listen to those nasty knockers, Vanessa darling. It's just tall poppy syndrome and they're jealous of your chutzpah. If you've got it, flaunt it, babe! Dolly's a big girl and she's never been backward at coming forward in the wardrobe department. You'd have been a welcome addition shaking your body on my lovely ladies' Mr Mikey video.

Mwa, mwa, sweetheart xxxx