Bad Girl Britney / Good Girl Kylie

It's all very well strutting out of your London hotel in your pink shorts as if butter wouldn't melt, Britney babes, but if you don't keep your appointments it doesn't do anything for your image as a reconstituted star, darling.

Did you just forget that you had a ticket waiting at the box office for Priscilla Queen of the Desert? Or was the thought of watching real live performers who can sing and dance at the same time, as well as lip synching, too much for your delicate constitution?

Well, it wasn't too much trouble for Kylie, who came with her sister and thoroughly enjoyed the performance. I wonder who was more nervous about seeing each other again, Jason or Kylie? It's been a long time since Neighbours and their relationship that flowered offstage as well as on - but thankfully we've sorted out both their hairstyles since then!

Now there's a girl who can sing, dance and act.... and wouldn't she be perfect playing perfect Debra in a stage or screen version of Mr Mikey's Ladies?! What about it, Kylie babes?

And even though Britney didn't bother to show, the cast of Priscilla had a lovely surprise when gorgeous David Hasselhof turned up to see a performance, and posed with everyone afterwards. There he is on the left, with the lovely Tony Sheldon who plays Bernadette on the right.

Mwa Mwa, girls. Talk soon xx

Tony, Queen of Priscilla!

I dropped into the Palace Theatre on Shaftesbury Avenue last week to see my dear friend and neighbour from Balmain strutt his stuff on the West End stage.

The Wonderful Tony Sheldon is starring - alongside Jason Donovan - as Bernadette in the London version of Priscilla Queen of the Desert. And what a star he is, my darlings! As Bernadette (gorgeous blue frock, centre stage), he totally steals the show, with his warm, sympathetic portrayal of the ageing transexual performer (never drag queen!) whose glory days are behind her.

Tony tells of how Terence Stamp, who created the role in the original film, came to see him twice in the Sydney production and, emotionally speaking, handed over "Bernadette Bassenger" to his safe-keeping. She couldn't be in better hands - I've seen darling Tony play the classics, comedy, cabaret and musical theatre over the years, and he's a top performer in every theatrical genre. In fact I'm tempted to offer him the part of moi, Mr Mikey himself, in any adaptation to stage or screen of my little life story... even if he is a few years older than my good self and not exactly South London born and bred.

Still, he can act, sing, lip-sync and shake a mean tail feather with the best of them - and he is the best of them in Priscilla, without a shadow of a doubt. In my opinion, those boys, Jason and Oliver, would fall apart without the experience, talent and perfectionism of the lovely Tony; he is the heart of the show!

And he was all heart and hospitality backstage, sitting in his dressing gown and false eyelashes while we chatted about old times in Balmain... I was pleased to see a copy of Mr Mikey's Ladies displayed on the coffee table - not just for my benefit, I hope, Tony!

Luv ya, Tony - keep kicking those lovely legs xxxx

Straight men on the run!

There you are, ladies! I give you Ms Joanna Lumley.

All it takes is one glamorous woman with brains, passion and chutzpah to get a load of straight men bewitched, bothered and bewildered.

Watch Joanna Lumley do her thing to get the Prime Minister and the Immigration Minister in a total tangle. Poise, elegance, good hair and makeup and a determination to get her own way - for a very good cause; she's an example to us all, girlfriends.

And take note of just how she does it: all charm and flattery - just what heteros fall for every time. She "trusts" the PM, she has every faith in him - how can he not live up to her expectations when she puts it like that? Listen and learn, ladies!

Come to think of it, I haven't heard back from Madge about my offer for her to play the part of Estelle in the stage or screen version of Mr Mikey's Ladies, and Joanna is by far the better actress - even if a touch older than Estelle is supposed to be. How about it Joanna - just what you need to give your career a boost after all the politics; give yourself a break, girl, let us see you exploiting your talent for comedy again - and giving the world a chance to laugh and cry with my lovely ladies.

BlogNor09: Blogging Norfolk - Moi?!

Not after that rude gentleman caller to BBC Radio Norfolk called me a cliche! How very dare he? A gay hairdresser in a marriage of inconvenience a cliche? I'll give him cliche - where he leasts expects to find one.

My creator and alter-ego, Lucy McCarraher, was being interviewed on Tuesday morning by the delightful David and beautiful Becky about our book, Mr Mikey's Ladies, when a most unwelcome email popped onto the studio screen. "A gay hairdresser married to his lover's sister, writing a musical based on girly pop anthems - could you get any more cliched?" wrote Nasty Neil, or Nigel or Ian, whatever your name was.

Ms McCarraher had the nerve to agree with Mr Nasty - only defending my reputation with some waffle about "subverting the cliches" in her novel.

Not good enough, I say! What may be a cliche to you, Nigel, is a deep and meaningful way of life to me and my Ladies. If you're an example of Norfolk's straight men, Neil, you're giving your kind a bad - or should that be a worse - reputation. Go away and work on your empathy and people skills! If you're a Norfolk queen, Neil, admit it, you're just jealous of Mr Mikey's success. Don't worry, sweetie - leave me a comment below and tell me all your troubles. I'll sort you out, and any other Norfolk lady or gentleman who needs my help.

Have a delightful day, Norfolk bloggers. And don't forget to watch my Bunwell Babes dancing on YouTube or in the post below.

Mwah, mwah for now x x x

Mr Mikey's Ladies - The Director's Cut

Spot the difference between this version of Mr Mikey's Dancing Ladies and the one on YouTube - on your right and scroll down a little. Tell me which one you prefer, sweethearts. For the reasons why they have different sound tracks, scroll down to the post called "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" and read all about it.

This is the moment in the novel that the vid (more or less) envisages:

"The Archangel Uriel took this moment to respond to Mr Mikey’s request and flung creative brilliance around him like a coat of many colours. The vision he saw before him made Michael Gorman gasp with the wonder of his own imagination: not only were there, in reality, two stunning, silver-swathed sisters sitting in his tasteful, fifties-style, pink and black themed salon, lip-syncing to one of the all time great girlie songs, but on either side of them he saw a vision of an endless row of glamorous, grown up women under an infinite line of dryers, in plastic capes, sheer stockings and stiletto heels, miming and mincing to his own camp choreography.

"That was it! The theme, the subject and the style of ‘The Ladies’ in one eighties hit: the seared soul of twenty first century woman, depressed by the demands and desires of men, repressed by the restrictions of families, but still glowing and gorgeous, ripe and ready for – well, fun. This was the reality he would reveal to audiences worldwide through the magic of the musical. He would shine the spotlight of truth on male and female relationships by way of his real life ladies and their men...."

Buy the book and enjoy the rest of my scintillating story!

Mwa mwah xxx

Madge, you're a natural woman...

When Madonna popped into Mr Mikey's, yours truly's boutique hair and beauty salon, all she wanted was a soft and snaky hairstyle that would make her look like the multi-award winning Ms Winslett.

After a mere six hours' work with foils, tongs and my secret ingredients, who could tell the difference between Kate and Madge? And what's seventeen years between friends, anyway?

But now I hear some nasty rumour mongers are suggesting my material girl superstar has been having a bit of a nip and tuck to keep that lovely face as taut and smooth as her bulging biceps.

How can anyone suggest that our Madge's youthful appearance is the result of anything more invasive than a regular workout on the yoga mat and a stress-free living environment? It's her simple, celibate life dedicated to Jesus, in the wake of dear, departed Guy, that's left Our Lady of the Flowing Locks looking ten - or is that twenty? - years younger.

But Madge, sweetheart, if you did feel a tiny bit tempted to try a little supernatural rejuvenation, remember what happened to Estelle when she made the mistake of trying collagen injections. I did give you her phone number, but if you've lost it, check her story in my book, and give yourself a relaxing laugh at the same time - that's the best way of tightening up those cheek muscles and smoothing away those naughty frown lines.

Actually, darling - how would you feel about playing Estelle in the film version of my musical masterpiece, The Ladies? The role would suit you down to the ground. Read the part and give me a bell, sweetie.

Ciao, bella - call me when you've had enough of the Kate look and we'll try an other one. xxx

Lay Off Vanessa!

My friend, Vanessa Feltz doesn't deserve all this bitching about her shape, size and dress sense. What's wrong with big girls, girlfriends, and why shouldn't they dress how they like? Fashion fascism, I call it, and who does it mainly come from? Straight media men who like to take all ladies down a peg or two for any reason that falls into their insensitive little hands. I'd like to see them snapped on the pages of their own papers and assess how good their fashion sense is.

Big Girl, You Are Beautiful - as Mika says, and I've said frequently to my dear wife, Dolly. I should just explain that I'm only married to Dolly in a technical sense. The love of my life was her brother, Bryan, who I met on my hols at Surfers Paradise. To swap Sydenham for a life with him in Sydney, I married his little sister Dolly which meant I was a long term, legal resident Down Under.

How was I to know that Bryan was not long for this world and Dolly was up the duff, which left me a gay, but far from merry widow with a wife and child to support? That was why Dolly and I opened our boutique hair and beauty salon, "Mr Mikey's" and went into business together to make ends meet - in the financial sense only. If you haven't already done so, you can read the full story in Mr Mikey's Ladies.

But back to the point - don't listen to those nasty knockers, Vanessa darling. It's just tall poppy syndrome and they're jealous of your chutzpah. If you've got it, flaunt it, babe! Dolly's a big girl and she's never been backward at coming forward in the wardrobe department. You'd have been a welcome addition shaking your body on my lovely ladies' Mr Mikey video.

Mwa, mwa, sweetheart xxxx